Jokes
How did the rabbit feel when it broke its foot?
Unhoppy
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot’s house.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? The chicken.
Why does doctor pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died
How do [Welsh] farmers find sheep in tall grass?
Irresistible
My friend came out of the room with tears rolling down his cheeks and shouted “it’s a boy!”
We never went back to Thailand after that
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
I’ve never had a lentil on my face
Knock, Knock - who’s there? - I eat mop
I eat mop who? - that’s gross, you eat your poo!
My wife asked me for a spa day for Christmas so I’ve got her one and wrapped it up, since it’s so close to Christmas I didn’t want to embarrass her by pointing out that it’s pronounced “spade”
My girlfriend was really upset after her dog died, so I got her another one…
She said “what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
I gave my seat to a blind person on the bus.
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
A British woman travels to spain, the tour guide tells her “the number one national sport is bull fighting” “that’s revolting” “no ma’am, that would be their second favorite sport”
Had to pay 3 grand for an operation for my dog
Those tits weren’t cheap
Why is China so good at cricket?
They take out every country with one bat
I once dated a twin. Everybody asked how I was able to tell them apart. Well it was easy, Jessica always painted her nails, and Henry had a big fat cock.
What do you call smart people in [country]?
Tourists.
Why did the little girl’s ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
While traveling in Japan I was at a bar when I saw a man with a
little Charlie Chaplin moustache and a floppy fringe and he looked just
about the age Hitler would be about now sitting with a familiar looking
woman. I had to know, I had to ask. So I went over to him and said
“excuse me are you-“
“Yes, it is me, I am ze person you sinking of, I am he, zis is my wife
Eva it. does not matter to me anymore that people know who I am, we have
been amassing an army and soon we will be back stronger zan ever. This
time we will kill 12 million Jews!!! … and 3 acrobats.”
“… why 3 acrobats?”
“You zee Eva, I told you nobody cares about ze Jews!”
I once asked a [Welsh] farmer how many girlfriends he’s had. He fell asleep trying to count them.
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia, but I’ve already made two vases, a jug and an bowl.
A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese…. how dare-he (said like dairy)
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
Now you can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence…
What’s the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?
I don’t know
So it WAS you!
I built a website for Asian drivers
but it kept crashing
What’s small and wrinkly and hanging out your trousers?
Grandma
What do you call a duck that’s addicted to drugs?
A quack head
My ex girlfriend was a crab
We had to break up because she was giving it too much of this (crab hands/chatty hands)